When You've Gotta Dance, Dance

++continued from the last++

Still Chapter One:

Dear Train...
       My mother is making dinner like she always does and she told me to tell you to tell your mother that you are all invited over tonight. Don't tell your mother you have to come though because if you do come I will not be allowed to wear sweats at the dinner table. But if you do decide to come and your mother says you can make sure you let me know before you come that way I can be prepared for the occasion. That's all I guess.
From, Me

I folded the note and continued thinking while my teacher continued to babble something random about derivatives and jerk functions. Something I knew entirely nothing about.

Grandpa always told me that having a job was valuable in high school because you got to have the social interaction with people, especially if you worked in a job were you were at the service of others. I've never had a job, and that could very well be why I am so socially awkward and I blunder all my words when I try to talk to people. For this reason, this blundering that is, I don't talk to people much. That is why I scared the boy next to me while, and at the same time surprised myself when I leaned over and whispered to him, pointing out that the teacher had chalk smeared down the side of her official pencil skirt that looked so uncomfortable. The boy looked back at my with shock, probably at the fact that I spoke and the low level maturity in the pointing out of chalk. But then he laughed and said something to me. I didn't register that something in my head however because I was so shocked that I had spoken.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your tales, soft.
Fill up the empty in my heart.
Your lies, harsh.
Carry my rage through hurt.
Your thoughts, true.
Laugh at my ignorance.
Your actions, dumb.
Caress my longing look for you.

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release

You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us

You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Ah, ooh

I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

Just When You Thought You Were Lost

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

VIII

IX

X

She tried to help. She really did. Wondering why the other couldn't get a grasp on themselves and decide. She sat wondering what it would be like to be the other. Struggling for safety and looking for some type of humanity in a world that seemed to be rid of it. Then she glanced, and glanced again, and read the message twice more. Her eyebrows furrowed, she never cried, but if she did, this would be one of those moments. Sadness and frustration fell on her like rain pouring from an all knowing sky. She was in a trance to be relieved from the soaking of the liar. She had stood for the other, she had blanketed the other. She had stupidly pretended like the truth wasn't true even though she new, deep inside that it was. Sadness loves company, and she trashed the other, threw her aside with the lashing of a discarded wrapper of a treat that had already been devoured. Two roses lost in one day, and all because of one step in the opposite direction of a previous decision. Complication struck her world, and she hoped that the other felt what she wanted them to feel. She forgave, but was angry, but more than that was hurt. She felt like she couldn't be trusted with anything any more, and the other was haunted at the loss of another affair. The other was on her own, while she thrived out of the sadness. She was stronger than the other, she was braver, she was better, she was loved. 

Chapter One: 

I heard a bell in the distance, tolling with the unforgettable tune that called us all back into school. I had to go because I couldn't think of anymore excuses for being late and my teacher was bound to get frustrated. I felt bad for that teacher already, she had to teach a bunch of self-centered losers like me that knew almost nothing about anything that had to do with school. I took off with a run not even noticing the landscape or the other bustling students around me. I took five deep breaths at the door to calm myself down before I stepped into the classroom and thudded in my seat before the second toll of the bell rang through my ears. 

I heard the teacher saying something in the background of my thoughts but I decided that being on time was my only gift to her today so instead of paying attention to her banter I pulled out my notebook and wrote to my friend instead. 

++to be continued++

It's Been Said There Is Much Ado About Nothing

Recently, Lately, and Frequently I have been:

• thinking of songs that would play as a soundtrack for a movie about my life. 
• saying different reasons I am worth something.
• getting close to my real friends.
• eating food.
• encountering and experiencing special coincidences that create interesting stories.
• hearing that when you say things people do rational things about what you say.
• finding fun in receiving mail, even if its just from colleges. 
• creating words to write down and edit and rewrite down again more time.
• watching movies that make me want to change my life. 
• realizing just how hard it is to let go of stupidity and dumbness. 
• hoping for different things to change.
• stressing about life. 
• learning to cry. 
• and discovering deeper feelings of love, hate, remorse, regret, joy, happiness, and deeper feeling of feelings in general.

"I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if is was the second or the third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you." -- Cassandra Clare

"You are the best! You just made my whole day!"

"The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened." -- Oprah Winfrey

"Every Thing Dances."

Half Past Noon or Twelve Hours Right After Midnight and Thirty Minutes

I enjoy the ability to create.
To toss around ideas.
To indulge in the sweet taste of accomplishment and production.
It's great to be human.
Having the ability to feel so deeply and so passionately is such an amazing gift.
To have the feeling that happiness will never end, that there is a eternal ring of gladness and well being.
But also to discover that opposition and bitterness.
In fact I have decided that the sad part of life is the part that is the most important.
We have always heard that you have to experience sadness to know what happiness is like.
Not only do I think that this is very true and a very important observation but I believe something more.

I would want and wish and hope to think that this small insignificant bit of wording is actually something important, though I know it is not.

I would like to think that we can only experience the same amount of happiness as we have experienced sadness. Which means that the people who experienced the most sadness are the ones with the capability to enjoy the most happiness in fact they are the ones with the want and need to experience the most happiness. In the end, they are even the ones who deserve it. The more and more sadness we experience, the more and more happiness we can experience.

Thank you.

Love, Me.

POST 100

I don't really know anything I have decided. Just when I am getting old and almost completing high school I decided that, gosh darn, I just don't really know a thing and about anything.

You know those days when you wake up late because your alarm wasn't set and you check your phone to see the time and then when you see you are going to have no time to get ready you blast out of bed. Then you go into this trance, coma type thing were you blackout for a second and almost fall over, sometimes you so fall over and plop right back into bed. When that happens your brain is yelling and screaming at you to get up and get ready so you won't be late for school. But your body is saying in a soft calm hushed voice... stay, lay a little longer... how important is school anyway? That's when your most important decisions are made... right there. This whole story is kind of how I feel life is right now. Not that I have necessarily woken up late but I have looked at my life and realized what time it is. My prime time. My time to move. Then I jumped into everything to quickly made a long list of goals, of ideas, and of things that I need to do with my life. But now I am getting dizzy, and I am falling backwards, I am slightly blacking out and trying to hold on to something that will keep me standing up from my minor set back. Then I fall... I fall back onto a bed of comfort, a zone where I know I am safe and nothing bad will happen. My head and my heart are telling me to get up and continue my life in the way I want it to be but something is keeping me back, laziness and tiredness are stopping me. So here is where now I need to make my decision. To hike through and stomp through and tread through and push through... or just stop.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date..."


"In life's winter, find your invincible summer."


“Sun is shining. Weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet.”


“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 


“One swallow does not make a summer,
neither does one fine day;
similarly one day or brief time of happiness 
does not make a person entirely happy.” 


It's summer. And that is all I have to say about that.   


Love. 


The End.

"My Heart Aside"

It is impossible to reverse time. To reverse decisions. To reverse pain. To reverse words. To reverse a murder. To reverse anything...
You can try to make up for it. You can try to mend it to straighten it out to forget it to let it go. But it's impossible to go back to how it was.

I have this pair of old jeans that I love. They are black. One day I found a rip in them and I literally thought I was going to cry. I have, since that time, got new jeans to replace them and I love those jeans now too, but I still have that old pair in my closet. I sewed the hole and even though I probably will never wear them again because it was a crude sewing job I can't throw them away. I can't just get them out of my closet. I mean, who has an attachment to a 10 dollar pair of jeans anyway?

"I'm past the point of no return on so many levels." - Me

Arrietty, And That's All

Me, Yon Soo, Aubrey 

 So, first of all, I captioned my pictures... wow. Second, I love friends... another big surprise because I obviously never say how glad I am I have friends. I had such a great night last night that I had to say how thankful I was for my great friends one more time. Please bear with a run down of a few of my favorite people in this world.

**AUBREY** is a prized gem, she is the perfect person to laugh with because she has probably the greatest laugh I have ever heard and it just makes you laugh more. If you ever hear a funny quote (like on a movie or something) and you want to hear it again, ask Aubrey to repeat it because she is spot on and makes the quote even funnier. She is an amazing singer and an incredible ukelele player. If I could choose five words to describe her I would say... bright, hilarious, benign, ferocious, and hipster. 

Me, Yon Soo 

#YON SOO# is asian first of all which automatically makes her amazing. She is so very stylish, I seriously love everything she wears. Yon Soo is resourceful and smart... if you are ever looking for an example on how to take notes (like for Psychology or something) she is the one to follow. I honestly don't know what I ever did without Yon Soo. As I sit here thinking, I don't exactly remember how we became the close friends we are but I am glad that we are such good friends because she literally changed my life. Yon Soo is also an amazing advise giver, she always knows the right things to say to help you work out situations and make you feel better! I love the way she writes and I love her practicality. Five words for Yon Soo would be... style, sentiment, perspicacious, embrace, and discerning. 

Ree & Tosha

~TOSHA~ is such a true friend. Besides the fact that Tosha is insanely smart she is also a good learner. Tosha plays the piano like a goddess and she can also sing very very very very very well. Tosha became my friend in German class, she is my entertainment for those class periods that just never seem to end. Tosha is also good at advice and she listens to all of my crazy stories which is hard. Tosha is that person who you meet and you just know they are going to be an amazing mom, so caring and wise that you almost even wish she was your mom. My five words for Tosha would be: buddy, harmonious, caring, leader, and super! 


REE (>.<) is kind of intimidating and scary... and least that is what he wants you to think. :) He really is a sweet amazing person when you get to know him well. I've heard a lot of people describe him as a teddy bear and even if it hurts his dignity a little to say it... he is one. He is also a romantic which is really adorable. Ree is a genius in all sorts of subjects including piano playing. I have only heard him play once but he is so amazing. Ree is also one of my German buddies and I am so happy I got to know him this year! Five words for Ree are: brilliance, softie, entertaining, confident, and well... asian. 


In the end, I am grateful for all of these people! I am so glad I met them all this year and I am incredibly glad that they are all going on to such bright futures next year and I want to publicly and slightly awkwardly wish them the best of luck!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!! 

Just When I Thought I Was A Wizard

"No matter how much you try to hide it, I know you are thinking about me. I know it's hard for you like it's hard for me but why don't we just except it and move on." -- Anonymous 

My Grateful List

Friends

Dance Company

Cars

Sun

Cell Phones

Fruit

Trees

Love

Passion

Dance

Secrets

Speech

Bodies

Ideas

Music

Art

Family

Writing

Balloons

Sugar

Beds

Blankets

Lips

Noses

Teeth 

Eyes

Arms

Legs

Feet

Hands

Ears 

There is obviously more but that's kinda just what I have today... 

 "Fella gets use' to a place, it's hard to go," said Casy. "Fella gets use' to a way of thinkin' it's hard to leave." 

 So I got my blood drawn today and let me just lay it out frankly, It was scary. It hurt a little and the whole time the needle was in my arm I was stressing a little bit. In the end it was fine, I was most worried about getting fait and passing out and that didn't happen so it was okay. While I was getting "interviewed" in the back room the nurse made and interesting comment to me. She said, "It's strange to me how people don't spend the time getting to know people when people are so fascinating." First of all, I love that word fascinating because it seems like a very good word to describe my feelings toward people. Second, I bonded with that nurse at that moment. I was saying it out loud before I could think it when I blurted, "I KNOW! I AGREE! People are so amazing!" My comment must have been a little loud because the room got pretty quite and she let out a little giggle like she was surprised at my enthusiastic response. Even though that conversation didn't go on much longer I felt a special connection with this nurse who I had never seen or talked to before and I probably will never see or talk to again. But I am glad she appreciates people, I kind of wish more people appreciated people.

--No more talk of darkness,
--Forget these wide-eyed fears
--I'm here, nothing can harm you
--my words will warm and calm you
--Let me be your freedom,
--let daylight dry your tears.
--I'm here with you, beside you,
--to guard you and to guide you...
--Say you love me every waking moment,
--turn my head with talk of summertime...
--Say you need me with you now and always...
--Promise me that all you say is true
--that's all I ask of you
--Let me be your shelter
--let me be your light
--You're safe, No one will find you
--your fears are far behind you...
--All I want is freedom,
--a world with no more night
--and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...
--Then say you'll share with me
--one love, one lifetime
--let me lead you from your solitude
--Say you need me with you here, beside you...
--anywhere you go, let me go too
--Christine, that's all I ask of you...

A Man Can't When He's Tol' To!

I hate nights when you hardly sleep at all. It takes forever for you to actually fall asleep because you are distracted by your thoughts and then you are constantly awakened by nightmares or you wake yourself up because you are so terrified of the images that taunt your mind. If this type of night was an end to a typical day, that would be one thing, but this night was an end to a long tiring and wildly crazy day. I dislike nights like that.

Last, I love Dance Company. More than anything in this world. It is great to have friends and the friends I have made this year dancing are the best ever. I have loved this year and I am so excited to make even more friends next year... The End.

Life is hard, try to live simply when you are young.

I Love You.

"I love you because you know who you are, and you know who I am and you still love me." 

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

Just when you are worried that you are losing someone that means so much to you, you find new people. Maybe not even find but almost rediscover. You make new friends, gain new smiles, share new laughs, cry new tears, hug new hugs, and overall just love new people and it all works out. 

I love Easter, and I love my family... and I love my friends. 

Life Update: I SAW MY BROTHER CROSS THE STREET RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have never screamed, laughed and cried so hard all at once in my whole life... How does it just happen to happen that the Saturday before he goes to Japan we see him cross the street. The extra minute it took to start my car made the difference in seeing him. Crossing the street right in front of me, smiling, waving, looking so happy and perfect and adorable. I love him so much and I could not be more proud of him. The best part was the heart sign he made with his hands, it was such a special moment. I loved it.

I appreciate the passion in this picture. The emotion caught in this picture is the reason I love dance. It is the perfect way to convey everything. The other day I was dancing in my room and it just kind of relieves you. There are those times where you dance because you have class or you dance because you are choreographing or something like that, and dance is really fun then. But then there are the times when you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DANCE... and thats when it is best for you. Those are the moments I live for... and I've kind have a lot of those lately... and I am grateful for it.

=To End In Style=
I always save my favorite thoughts for last. Today my favorite thoughts are about spring, and beauty, and trees, and waterfalls. Long trails, winding paths, fences, trees, brick buildings, rocks, dirt. Have you ever thought about spider webs, their beauty and their grace. I appreciate spider webs, I like how they shine when the light from the sun hits them. I like how their designs are practically perfect. Have you ever thought about silence? How silence is awkward with some people, and perfect with someone else? How conversations can be had by only saying two words? How silent touches can change the world? Have you ever thought about hearts and how they thump when you are nervous... Have you ever thought about good nervous and bad nervous?
Sometimes I don't know how to describe some things, maybe because they are too perfect to describe. I hate trying to explain confusing things and I hate feeling confusing feelings. I hate wanting something so bad but being to nervous to just grab it and get it. I wish things were easier than they always are.

Dear World, I love you. You mean everything to me. Love, Me.

Try hard not to have regrets, they are the worst.

The End.

|Call Me When You Get This|

Have you ever desperately wanted something that you know is bad for you? I am not talking about chocolate or sweets that you want to eat but know you will regret later, I am talking about deeper things. More important things, life changing decisions that will effect the way you live forever. First you reject the idea of such a life changing decision, then you can't stop thinking about it, you think of different approaches, different outcomes, different consequences, how it will really effect you, how it will really effect others. Next, you start to reason with yourself. "What is this really going to do?""Who are my actions really going to impact?""Why is this decision so important anyway?" You question yourself, and shoot out any bad thoughts and only think of the good that will come of it. You think of all the wonderful, desirable things that will come of such a controversial choice. Then you pause and think, fine, I will do it. And that's when you start to learn.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential, is invisible to the eye."
     - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."
     - Anonymous

"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
     - Anonymous

"Love is friendship set on fire."
     - Jeremy Taylor

{A LETTER TO THE PAST}

Mary Anderson: My newest Hero. 

Dear Mary Anderson,
       Thank you so much for giving us the great invention of windshield wipers. Even though my spring break was a little rainy I could still drive around town perfectly okay and safe because of your great contribution to society. I don't know if you have ever been properly thanked for this amazing idea of a windshield cleaner but if they have internet up in heaven I hope you are reading this because I am seriously so grateful for you. I am also grateful to anyone else up there with you who helped with the idea or advanced it along to greater functioning, so please, if you have some spare time, let them know how much they are appreciated as well. Thank you again, you are such a genius!
          Much Love,
                    Kristen Lohner

And That's When I Knew

Feelings I Hate:

• jealousy 
• regret
• sorrow
• sickness
• sadness
• indifference
• anxiety
• fear
• discomfort
• worry

Have you ever been in the middle of a terrible nightmare and then realized you were dreaming? Discovering you are dreaming seems like it would be a comforting feeling because then you might be less scared because you know that it isn't really real. No. When I am in the middle of a nightmare, terrified and tired and I realize that it is a dream I just feel worse. Then I try and try to wake up and I struggle with my body to get it to be alert but I just can't. I just feel trapped inside this non reality and I can't get out. It's like a prison and it terrifies me. Like I don't have control of my own body because I can't get it to wake up. 

I hate nightmares. 

The Weeping Prince

"You can tell he is the bad guy because he smokes big fat cigars." - LK
"Just because you had something tragic happen to you doesn't mean you are a good public speaker." - ES
"I can buy it!!!! I have forty frikin dollars!" - JL
"Oh, I was expecting you to say something deep." - CM
"How do you get a severed limb when you are swimming?" - MJ

Sometimes moments happen and as soon as they occur you know that after that moment you will never be the same. There are a lot of life changing moments in a day, things that define you, shape you, create you,  but the events that make you sit back and think, My life will no longer be the same, are the truly mind blowing ones.

The other day someone told me they love how my mind works. What's that supposed to mean? How does my mind work. I mean I have noticed I am different from everybody else but... isn't everybody? I have always questioned how my mind works though. Sometimes I wonder why I over think and complicate everything. I also twist ideas and solutions like knots until they can't be untangled. I hardly forget anything and I am actually rather observant. Oh and here is a secret! Sometimes, when people tell me something they have already told me, I pretend they haven't told me before. I am not sure if that is for my benefit or for theirs but I usually remember what people tell me, especially when they are important to me.  And, my brain doesn't shut off. I am usually thinking of five things at once and I can tell you what you are saying to me even when I am thinking about something totally different. And if I have listened to a song once or twice, I have the majority of the lyrics memorized. I like my brain.

"If you love me, here's what I'll do...
I'll take care of you."

Love you... ;)

Why are you, you?

I am me because I enjoy being that way.

I am me because my mind and heart tell me to be that way.

I am me because I organize my room in my own creative fashion.

I am me because I love my younger siblings.

I am me because I enjoy dancing more than anything.

I am me because I complicate life and wish for simplicity.

I am me because I share my thoughts in my own ways.

I am me because I wear my own style of clothes.

I am me because I say the words I want to say.

I am me because my loved ones have shaped me to be this way.

I am me because I am creative and andventorous.

I am me because I am shy and worrisome.

I am me because I twist my hair when I am nervous.

I am me because I love to read books.

I am me because I like sunny days and snowy ones.

I am me because people facinate me and inspire my actions.

I am me because I learn from the best.

I am me because I bake pies.

I am me because I do what I think is right.

I am me because I share my thoughts through actions, not words.

I am me because I have amazing friends.

I am me because of a lot of things. And I really like being me.

'Cuz My Family Won The Lottery and We Are Rolling in Money

That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

{I Will No Longer Start With "Sometimes"}

I wonder if my mind really controls my actions, my words, my feelings, my heart, my sounds, me movements, my decisions, and everything else. I feel like sometimes my body get on automatic pilot and just does what is does, my body thinks without my mind... if that makes any sense. You see my mind can over think everything, make a plan and try to carry it out and sometimes have great success because it takes over my body but sometimes my body thinks for itself. It takes over and controls it's movements by forgetting the over thinking and not considering the consequences. I am victim to my own body. Maybe what they say is true, you really can leave the decisions up to your heart instead of your mind. 

Then there are those times where you have a total out of body experience and pretty much just throw reason out the window and just go for it. Today for instance, I was dancing, which is when a lot of these out of body experiences occur, and I forgot there were other people in the room, I forgot that I was in an audition, I forgot that I was trying to impress people. It was almost like I had forgotten I was alive. Then all of this movement, this emotion, this feeling just kind of came out of me. Automatic Pilot. As much as I wish I could explain, I can't. To sum it up as best I can, its the feeling I get and then know that I am alive so I can create, so I can dance, so I can write, so I can love, so I can draw, so I can live, so i can be inspired, so I can share and so I can do everything I can do. That feeling is what keeps me going everyday, it's the reason I am alive. It's the only feeling I am really sure of and it is the best feeling in the world.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO QUESTION MYSELF!" 

 Today was very happy and slightly sad. 

Thanks for listening.    

I Wish For It To Forever Rain On Your Fields.

Stop me before I fall off a cliff.
Because then I might actually live.
I need your light and I need your arm.
I'm trying my hardest to keep you from harm.

"A poem can have an impact, but you can't expect an audience to understand all the nuances"
-- Douglas Dunn

Sometimes I feel like I am an extremely mean person. Not because I really am mean, because the more I think about it, I really am not mean. But sometimes I feel like I am. Don't ask me how this makes sense but it kind of does, at least in my brain.

Cute clothes make me sick because I want them so much. I want to go shopping at DI and buy everything. The End.

Search and Find My Symbolism (Disclaimer: To Be Taken Literally)

I dipped my feet slowly into the water first. I was more scared of the waters low temperature than the bright green color of the slimy film that rested atop the ponds still surface. Maybe, I thought to myself, If I just jump in quick and get it over with everything will be fine and this will be a lot less painful than I thought. I couldn't make myself do it, I couldn't just jump in, ignoring my body in protest and my mind in the bleachers cheering for defense. I needed to get it though so I took another step forward, cutting into the waters silence and leaving a little train of ripples splattering off to where I thought my prize was. I was know up to my ankles which doesn't seem like much of an advancement but for the waters brittle temperature, was quite a feat. I had to do it, I had to get my lost possession, I wanted it more than any breathing thing. Everything around me was silent and morose, so I was left to the teasing of my ever questioning mind. The darkness that stretched out wide on both my sides seemed almost divided my the cut of the moon beam that lay straight on my like a spotlight. I felt like an act in the circus as I scooted so the water was at the top of my calf but not quite to my knees. My left foot, almost automatically shifted forward to search for the drop off that Mae had told me would lie about where I was standing. Suddenly I felt it. I pulled my leg back to the comfort of it's warm partner and debated one more time if I was really worth the idea of failure. Yes it was. I needed this more than any other of my conscious needs. I needed what was thrown down in that pond so long ago and I knew it was there, just waiting for me to wrap my young hands around it and take it for new adventures. It was calling to me, pleading with me to take it up and keep it warm. In the middle of my thoughts my body took over, it had decided a sound needed to be made to interrupt the woods seemingly important silence. My body flung itself out while my brain cried out to stop. The sound was made, the silence broken, and I had dived.

DEFINE: cult, love, irony, culture, socialism, meme, internet, and hipster.

It is always a comfort to know that there are still geniuses in the world. Especially the geniuses who feed off emotion to fuel their genius. I am happy to love anything anybody creates as long as it means something... anything at all! I hope that my heart will feel the need to appreciate things that have a purpose, a meaning, a cause, a passion, so on and so forth.

I have realized lately that as a high school student, your maturity is changing evolving and becoming tangible very fast. The reason we look back at students younger than us is because we feel like we are so much older, like we have matured beyond their level. To outsiders or those seeking for a debate involving high conflict, seniors looking down on the classes below them is a prejudice and simply quite a rude thing to do because, "That was you last year!" is such a prominent statement. But just today I was looking back to just last year and thinking of things I used to do, think, participate in, and so on and I realized that I have greatly matured in my life. I have learned so many lessons in the past year that make me feel qualified to be bigger and better than classes lower than me, and I am not even a senior yet!
          My actions have changed tremendously. I no longer feel the need to bash every single assignment I get in class because I have decided its not worth the energy. My thoughts have changed in the sense that I feel like this year I have become more friendly and outgoing, and I was a little more shy and shut off last year. I also feel that through my past year of education I have reached the ability to go into a higher level of thinking about life, literature, media and more. My feelings have also matured tremendously. In fact, I think that is probably what has changed the most, I have begun to realize that flinging around my feelings is not important and that not very many people care anyway. And most importantly I feel different about the people around me. I feel like I am happy to have people, rather than be annoyed by every sound they make. In random conclusion, I am different this year. I feel mature and I feel like I have the right to be aware of that maturity. I know that I still have a very long way to go but I feel like this past year I have learned a lot, and ya... that is the end of that ramble.

I thought I would add a little something to the end of this. I got a car. It's a bug. It's red. His name is Lenny. That is all that needs to be documented here.

Walk Like Matter is a Solid

My heart is thrown into the wild air,

I'm trying to follow your turning trail. 

It's hard to read your tattered lines, 

I'm amazed at your unbelievable mind. 

I'm taken backwards by your kindly style, 

Your shiny young laugh and your interesting smile. 

Arthur the Author

{{What would I think of myself if I wrote a book?}}

          I was tempted to reach down and sweep the floor with my now wet hand. It seemed like the prompting was more of a command to clean but as I reached down and the dust stuck to my perspiration I felt more like I was collecting the memories that had been laying hidden in this forlorn room for all of the past awkward years. A trail of small but distinct footprints made a trail that led to the far end of the attic and curved back behind a large elegant trunk in the corner. I carved the small footprints out a little larger as I stuttered across the room with caution wanting to preserve the dust floor and the mysterious magic that filled the room. I wanted to call out to (insert girl name) but it just didn't seem right to make another noise when my feet were already disturbing her silence. 

          As my path came to a curve I saw (insert girl name)'s little red shoes on the floor. Then her full body came into view. She was wearing her favorite jean jumper, her eyes were open and staring, without a blink at the still ceiling. Her chest went up and down in slow breathes that seemed to be thought out. Seeing her breathe that way made me realize that I had stopped breathing and I gulped in the reserved air around me that had mixed with a little bit of dust, and then let out a labored sigh. 

          "Whadda you want?" (insert girl name) floated into the open air. 

          "How long are you going to keep this up?" I throw back "I mean, (insert girl name), you know mom didn't mean it don't you?"

          "Ya I know, just the anger talking right?"
          "Right." I fight hard to destroy any quiver in my speech, making my reply round like it is totally sure. Inside I am unsure myself if mothers words were thought out they way she presented them so carefully to (insert girl name) or if they were just thrown out like garbage on a a collecting day.
          "I just wanna be alone for a little bit."
          "Okay." I meander back down stairs not in much of a hurry because I was not successful in getting (insert girl name) to return with me. As I reentered the kitchen I hear my great aunt's questioning voice in full force. Stabbing my mom with questing that don't seen to have a good answer. The thing about Great Aunt is that she thrives off information. She already seems to know everything about everyone and she is always in a race trying to know more.
          "But who? Who did she take to the bar?"
          "I don't know {Candice}, I simply heard that she was with someone, he could have even invited her to the bar."
          "But who?" Great Aunt duplicated the question to herself now. Her face deviated from its original questioning look to a daydreamy look. Not a happy daydream, but a dismal, confusing daydream that had been torn from the caves of her memory and now was haunting her thoughts with even more habitual questions.
          "(insert boy name) honey, I need you to do the dishes now!"
          "Okay mom." I trotted over to the sink while I rolled up my sleeves in dismay. When mom was angry with someone it was best to avoid upsetting her, most people just avoid her altogether but I occasionally stick around for a show, or to do jobs for her in order to stay on her good side. I sat at the sink looking back through the small, window like hole in the wall to catch another glance at Great Aunt. I have found over the years that the more you study someone the more you notice about them.
           "Why do you give a care anyway?" Mother said to Great Aunt. Mother had moved over to the couch and picked up her stitching.
           "I don't, I don't." Great Aunt moved to the couch opposite my mother and began to read her novel. As I studied her I could tell she wasn't reading but still thinking, still questioning in her mind. I studied her worn face as I scrubbed the large pot she had just cooked in. The more I looked the more I wanted to know her thoughts. Wrinkles on her face seemed to straighten out in my repairing mind for just a few moments, her complexion went from a ash to a pearly white and for a moment I swear I saw her slip out a singular smile. As she looked up I was startled and shoved my eyes back down toward the sink. I spent the next couple seconds in silence washing over my favorite ocean green plate. Thinking about my dad who had given me the gift.
          "Where is (insert girl name)?" mother blurted blowing out my sweet silence, "I thought I told you to go get her!" Here comes the trouble
          "I did go," I say feeling a tingle run up my leg to my stomach, "she said that she just wanted to be alone for now." The same tingle was now traveling straight to my heart causing it to lub loudly.
          "Okay then," mother simply stated. Her answer, clam and collect surprises me. Instead of her subtle reaction calming me, it makes my insides scream louder. My whole body is tingling now every instinct is telling me to run, "Well, keep going!" I hear my mom say, but she sounds far off, I fell removed from the small kitchen but as I look down I am still right there, dirty dish in hand and I resume my chore.

{{Not great. But a Start. I need some good names.}}

Bottles in my Closet

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you




"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a women, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all -- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel loved." 
--- Zooey Deschanel 


"In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them, we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you are going." 


"Sometimes you play a game, even when you know you are going to lose. Or sometimes you leave a game even when you know you can win."


"It's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us." --- Benjamin Button 


"For what it's worth: it's never too late, or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this things. We can make the best or worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." --- Benjamin Button


"Some people are born to sit by a river, some get struck by lightning, some have an ear for music, some are artists, some swim, some know buttons, some know Shakespeare, some are mothers and some people are dancers."
--- Benjamin Button 

Yes... Boys too.

Berry Pie is splendid especially with friends. All regrets are baked slowly into that pie until they are forgotten.
Frances Avery is a good gal. 

My Test 

Those days when you are doing test correction and you got only a little less than half of the questions wrong are the worst. Then you make it to the one and only page where you got all five questions on one page rights and what do you know! The person who corrected you test congratulated you with a large YES! accompanied by an exclamation point. Thanks, Michael. You were appreciated at around 1 am the other night.

 MORP WAS A BLAST! I don't want to document everything because that kind of makes it less fun and special plus there is too much to say and my words wouldn't be able to give it credit. Pretty much, I am glad that I went and I am glad I asked Talmage because, hey he is a pretty cool guy. Plus I got a comfy shirt out of it. Hehe. 

 You know those people who are just worth it? My sister Susie is the best for sure but I have already tributes her. The person I really want to talk about who is more than worth it is Amy Gill. I love her. Almost too much. She is crazy amazing. Who wouldn't want to have a friend like her. Smart, beautiful, kind, thoughtful, athletic, funny, hyper, helpful. She is one of the best of the best of the best. Ya, she is probably actually the best.

Have you ever done something spontaneous when you are really tired or explained something to someone  when you were really tired and pretty much out of it and then been totally mad at yourself for saying something stupid? Because I feel like a lot of people have been doing that lately. I feel like I am hearing all of these decisions people have made when tired and then regretting it later... I will admit I have been victim to this situation and also have made sleepy decisions as we will call them. I think the solution to this is simply sleep on decisions and don't get irrational. The End.

Dreams
Thats where I have to go
To see your beautiful
Face anymore I stare at a picture of you
And listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
We both admit we had it good
But until then its alienation I know that much is understood,
And I realise.. 
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you,
Not over you
Damn, damn girl you do it well, and I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell, but still your magnificent
I, I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game, even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you
And if I had the chance to re-new
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back, on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced 
So until then.. 
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you