And That's When I Knew

Feelings I Hate:

• jealousy 
• regret
• sorrow
• sickness
• sadness
• indifference
• anxiety
• fear
• discomfort
• worry

Have you ever been in the middle of a terrible nightmare and then realized you were dreaming? Discovering you are dreaming seems like it would be a comforting feeling because then you might be less scared because you know that it isn't really real. No. When I am in the middle of a nightmare, terrified and tired and I realize that it is a dream I just feel worse. Then I try and try to wake up and I struggle with my body to get it to be alert but I just can't. I just feel trapped inside this non reality and I can't get out. It's like a prison and it terrifies me. Like I don't have control of my own body because I can't get it to wake up. 

I hate nightmares. 

The Weeping Prince

"You can tell he is the bad guy because he smokes big fat cigars." - LK
"Just because you had something tragic happen to you doesn't mean you are a good public speaker." - ES
"I can buy it!!!! I have forty frikin dollars!" - JL
"Oh, I was expecting you to say something deep." - CM
"How do you get a severed limb when you are swimming?" - MJ

Sometimes moments happen and as soon as they occur you know that after that moment you will never be the same. There are a lot of life changing moments in a day, things that define you, shape you, create you,  but the events that make you sit back and think, My life will no longer be the same, are the truly mind blowing ones.

The other day someone told me they love how my mind works. What's that supposed to mean? How does my mind work. I mean I have noticed I am different from everybody else but... isn't everybody? I have always questioned how my mind works though. Sometimes I wonder why I over think and complicate everything. I also twist ideas and solutions like knots until they can't be untangled. I hardly forget anything and I am actually rather observant. Oh and here is a secret! Sometimes, when people tell me something they have already told me, I pretend they haven't told me before. I am not sure if that is for my benefit or for theirs but I usually remember what people tell me, especially when they are important to me.  And, my brain doesn't shut off. I am usually thinking of five things at once and I can tell you what you are saying to me even when I am thinking about something totally different. And if I have listened to a song once or twice, I have the majority of the lyrics memorized. I like my brain.

"If you love me, here's what I'll do...
I'll take care of you."

'Cuz My Family Won The Lottery and We Are Rolling in Money

That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

{I Will No Longer Start With "Sometimes"}

I wonder if my mind really controls my actions, my words, my feelings, my heart, my sounds, me movements, my decisions, and everything else. I feel like sometimes my body get on automatic pilot and just does what is does, my body thinks without my mind... if that makes any sense. You see my mind can over think everything, make a plan and try to carry it out and sometimes have great success because it takes over my body but sometimes my body thinks for itself. It takes over and controls it's movements by forgetting the over thinking and not considering the consequences. I am victim to my own body. Maybe what they say is true, you really can leave the decisions up to your heart instead of your mind. 

Then there are those times where you have a total out of body experience and pretty much just throw reason out the window and just go for it. Today for instance, I was dancing, which is when a lot of these out of body experiences occur, and I forgot there were other people in the room, I forgot that I was in an audition, I forgot that I was trying to impress people. It was almost like I had forgotten I was alive. Then all of this movement, this emotion, this feeling just kind of came out of me. Automatic Pilot. As much as I wish I could explain, I can't. To sum it up as best I can, its the feeling I get and then know that I am alive so I can create, so I can dance, so I can write, so I can love, so I can draw, so I can live, so i can be inspired, so I can share and so I can do everything I can do. That feeling is what keeps me going everyday, it's the reason I am alive. It's the only feeling I am really sure of and it is the best feeling in the world.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO QUESTION MYSELF!" 

 Today was very happy and slightly sad. 

Thanks for listening.    

Search and Find My Symbolism (Disclaimer: To Be Taken Literally)

I dipped my feet slowly into the water first. I was more scared of the waters low temperature than the bright green color of the slimy film that rested atop the ponds still surface. Maybe, I thought to myself, If I just jump in quick and get it over with everything will be fine and this will be a lot less painful than I thought. I couldn't make myself do it, I couldn't just jump in, ignoring my body in protest and my mind in the bleachers cheering for defense. I needed to get it though so I took another step forward, cutting into the waters silence and leaving a little train of ripples splattering off to where I thought my prize was. I was know up to my ankles which doesn't seem like much of an advancement but for the waters brittle temperature, was quite a feat. I had to do it, I had to get my lost possession, I wanted it more than any breathing thing. Everything around me was silent and morose, so I was left to the teasing of my ever questioning mind. The darkness that stretched out wide on both my sides seemed almost divided my the cut of the moon beam that lay straight on my like a spotlight. I felt like an act in the circus as I scooted so the water was at the top of my calf but not quite to my knees. My left foot, almost automatically shifted forward to search for the drop off that Mae had told me would lie about where I was standing. Suddenly I felt it. I pulled my leg back to the comfort of it's warm partner and debated one more time if I was really worth the idea of failure. Yes it was. I needed this more than any other of my conscious needs. I needed what was thrown down in that pond so long ago and I knew it was there, just waiting for me to wrap my young hands around it and take it for new adventures. It was calling to me, pleading with me to take it up and keep it warm. In the middle of my thoughts my body took over, it had decided a sound needed to be made to interrupt the woods seemingly important silence. My body flung itself out while my brain cried out to stop. The sound was made, the silence broken, and I had dived.

Arthur the Author

{{What would I think of myself if I wrote a book?}}

          I was tempted to reach down and sweep the floor with my now wet hand. It seemed like the prompting was more of a command to clean but as I reached down and the dust stuck to my perspiration I felt more like I was collecting the memories that had been laying hidden in this forlorn room for all of the past awkward years. A trail of small but distinct footprints made a trail that led to the far end of the attic and curved back behind a large elegant trunk in the corner. I carved the small footprints out a little larger as I stuttered across the room with caution wanting to preserve the dust floor and the mysterious magic that filled the room. I wanted to call out to (insert girl name) but it just didn't seem right to make another noise when my feet were already disturbing her silence. 

          As my path came to a curve I saw (insert girl name)'s little red shoes on the floor. Then her full body came into view. She was wearing her favorite jean jumper, her eyes were open and staring, without a blink at the still ceiling. Her chest went up and down in slow breathes that seemed to be thought out. Seeing her breathe that way made me realize that I had stopped breathing and I gulped in the reserved air around me that had mixed with a little bit of dust, and then let out a labored sigh. 

          "Whadda you want?" (insert girl name) floated into the open air. 

          "How long are you going to keep this up?" I throw back "I mean, (insert girl name), you know mom didn't mean it don't you?"

          "Ya I know, just the anger talking right?"
          "Right." I fight hard to destroy any quiver in my speech, making my reply round like it is totally sure. Inside I am unsure myself if mothers words were thought out they way she presented them so carefully to (insert girl name) or if they were just thrown out like garbage on a a collecting day.
          "I just wanna be alone for a little bit."
          "Okay." I meander back down stairs not in much of a hurry because I was not successful in getting (insert girl name) to return with me. As I reentered the kitchen I hear my great aunt's questioning voice in full force. Stabbing my mom with questing that don't seen to have a good answer. The thing about Great Aunt is that she thrives off information. She already seems to know everything about everyone and she is always in a race trying to know more.
          "But who? Who did she take to the bar?"
          "I don't know {Candice}, I simply heard that she was with someone, he could have even invited her to the bar."
          "But who?" Great Aunt duplicated the question to herself now. Her face deviated from its original questioning look to a daydreamy look. Not a happy daydream, but a dismal, confusing daydream that had been torn from the caves of her memory and now was haunting her thoughts with even more habitual questions.
          "(insert boy name) honey, I need you to do the dishes now!"
          "Okay mom." I trotted over to the sink while I rolled up my sleeves in dismay. When mom was angry with someone it was best to avoid upsetting her, most people just avoid her altogether but I occasionally stick around for a show, or to do jobs for her in order to stay on her good side. I sat at the sink looking back through the small, window like hole in the wall to catch another glance at Great Aunt. I have found over the years that the more you study someone the more you notice about them.
           "Why do you give a care anyway?" Mother said to Great Aunt. Mother had moved over to the couch and picked up her stitching.
           "I don't, I don't." Great Aunt moved to the couch opposite my mother and began to read her novel. As I studied her I could tell she wasn't reading but still thinking, still questioning in her mind. I studied her worn face as I scrubbed the large pot she had just cooked in. The more I looked the more I wanted to know her thoughts. Wrinkles on her face seemed to straighten out in my repairing mind for just a few moments, her complexion went from a ash to a pearly white and for a moment I swear I saw her slip out a singular smile. As she looked up I was startled and shoved my eyes back down toward the sink. I spent the next couple seconds in silence washing over my favorite ocean green plate. Thinking about my dad who had given me the gift.
          "Where is (insert girl name)?" mother blurted blowing out my sweet silence, "I thought I told you to go get her!" Here comes the trouble
          "I did go," I say feeling a tingle run up my leg to my stomach, "she said that she just wanted to be alone for now." The same tingle was now traveling straight to my heart causing it to lub loudly.
          "Okay then," mother simply stated. Her answer, clam and collect surprises me. Instead of her subtle reaction calming me, it makes my insides scream louder. My whole body is tingling now every instinct is telling me to run, "Well, keep going!" I hear my mom say, but she sounds far off, I fell removed from the small kitchen but as I look down I am still right there, dirty dish in hand and I resume my chore.

{{Not great. But a Start. I need some good names.}}

Trashing Plagiarism

I was immediately swept away. Saying swept away is quite a cliche as is pointing out your cliches but, by any means, swept I was. Swept not this round by love or by interest itself but by mystery. This type of mystery that led me to deep interest and filled me with unspeakable love. You know that something is powerful when it has the ability to change you. When that something takes your body and soul and removes it from existence. I have spoken of passion before and I have specified my particular passion for dance, but things have changed. I no longer have just a passion for dance. I have an obsession,  an addiction, an infatuation, a fixation for dance. I am enslaved by dance and it's power. I have been completely taken over by it. I spent the best weekend of my life, hands down ever, at a dance convention.

I spent the weekend in a frenzy of hard work and extreme passion. In a place where my whole body quaked with pain until the music restarted and I began to move in time with it's notes. I could not be more happy or proud of myself after this weekend and I wish it had never ended.

There are no other words to try and explain the amazingness of what happened to me this weekend. All I can really say to sum things up is I am changed, moved, inspired, and now motivated for life.

All had been said. The End.