Friday, March 30, 2012

I Wish For It To Forever Rain On Your Fields.

Stop me before I fall off a cliff.
Because then I might actually live.
I need your light and I need your arm.
I'm trying my hardest to keep you from harm.

"A poem can have an impact, but you can't expect an audience to understand all the nuances"
-- Douglas Dunn

Sometimes I feel like I am an extremely mean person. Not because I really am mean, because the more I think about it, I really am not mean. But sometimes I feel like I am. Don't ask me how this makes sense but it kind of does, at least in my brain.

Cute clothes make me sick because I want them so much. I want to go shopping at DI and buy everything. The End.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Search and Find My Symbolism (Disclaimer: To Be Taken Literally)

I dipped my feet slowly into the water first. I was more scared of the waters low temperature than the bright green color of the slimy film that rested atop the ponds still surface. Maybe, I thought to myself, If I just jump in quick and get it over with everything will be fine and this will be a lot less painful than I thought. I couldn't make myself do it, I couldn't just jump in, ignoring my body in protest and my mind in the bleachers cheering for defense. I needed to get it though so I took another step forward, cutting into the waters silence and leaving a little train of ripples splattering off to where I thought my prize was. I was know up to my ankles which doesn't seem like much of an advancement but for the waters brittle temperature, was quite a feat. I had to do it, I had to get my lost possession, I wanted it more than any breathing thing. Everything around me was silent and morose, so I was left to the teasing of my ever questioning mind. The darkness that stretched out wide on both my sides seemed almost divided my the cut of the moon beam that lay straight on my like a spotlight. I felt like an act in the circus as I scooted so the water was at the top of my calf but not quite to my knees. My left foot, almost automatically shifted forward to search for the drop off that Mae had told me would lie about where I was standing. Suddenly I felt it. I pulled my leg back to the comfort of it's warm partner and debated one more time if I was really worth the idea of failure. Yes it was. I needed this more than any other of my conscious needs. I needed what was thrown down in that pond so long ago and I knew it was there, just waiting for me to wrap my young hands around it and take it for new adventures. It was calling to me, pleading with me to take it up and keep it warm. In the middle of my thoughts my body took over, it had decided a sound needed to be made to interrupt the woods seemingly important silence. My body flung itself out while my brain cried out to stop. The sound was made, the silence broken, and I had dived.

DEFINE: cult, love, irony, culture, socialism, meme, internet, and hipster.

It is always a comfort to know that there are still geniuses in the world. Especially the geniuses who feed off emotion to fuel their genius. I am happy to love anything anybody creates as long as it means something... anything at all! I hope that my heart will feel the need to appreciate things that have a purpose, a meaning, a cause, a passion, so on and so forth.

I have realized lately that as a high school student, your maturity is changing evolving and becoming tangible very fast. The reason we look back at students younger than us is because we feel like we are so much older, like we have matured beyond their level. To outsiders or those seeking for a debate involving high conflict, seniors looking down on the classes below them is a prejudice and simply quite a rude thing to do because, "That was you last year!" is such a prominent statement. But just today I was looking back to just last year and thinking of things I used to do, think, participate in, and so on and I realized that I have greatly matured in my life. I have learned so many lessons in the past year that make me feel qualified to be bigger and better than classes lower than me, and I am not even a senior yet!
          My actions have changed tremendously. I no longer feel the need to bash every single assignment I get in class because I have decided its not worth the energy. My thoughts have changed in the sense that I feel like this year I have become more friendly and outgoing, and I was a little more shy and shut off last year. I also feel that through my past year of education I have reached the ability to go into a higher level of thinking about life, literature, media and more. My feelings have also matured tremendously. In fact, I think that is probably what has changed the most, I have begun to realize that flinging around my feelings is not important and that not very many people care anyway. And most importantly I feel different about the people around me. I feel like I am happy to have people, rather than be annoyed by every sound they make. In random conclusion, I am different this year. I feel mature and I feel like I have the right to be aware of that maturity. I know that I still have a very long way to go but I feel like this past year I have learned a lot, and ya... that is the end of that ramble.

I thought I would add a little something to the end of this. I got a car. It's a bug. It's red. His name is Lenny. That is all that needs to be documented here.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Walk Like Matter is a Solid

My heart is thrown into the wild air,
I'm trying to follow your turning trail. 

It's hard to read your tattered lines, 
I'm amazed at your unbelievable mind. 

I'm taken backwards by your kindly style, 
Your shiny young laugh and your interesting smile. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Arthur the Author

{{What would I think of myself if I wrote a book?}}

          I was tempted to reach down and sweep the floor with my now wet hand. It seemed like the prompting was more of a command to clean but as I reached down and the dust stuck to my perspiration I felt more like I was collecting the memories that had been laying hidden in this forlorn room for all of the past awkward years. A trail of small but distinct footprints made a trail that led to the far end of the attic and curved back behind a large elegant trunk in the corner. I carved the small footprints out a little larger as I stuttered across the room with caution wanting to preserve the dust floor and the mysterious magic that filled the room. I wanted to call out to (insert girl name) but it just didn't seem right to make another noise when my feet were already disturbing her silence. 
          As my path came to a curve I saw (insert girl name)'s little red shoes on the floor. Then her full body came into view. She was wearing her favorite jean jumper, her eyes were open and staring, without a blink at the still ceiling. Her chest went up and down in slow breathes that seemed to be thought out. Seeing her breathe that way made me realize that I had stopped breathing and I gulped in the reserved air around me that had mixed with a little bit of dust, and then let out a labored sigh. 
          "Whadda you want?" (insert girl name) floated into the open air. 
          "How long are you going to keep this up?" I throw back "I mean, (insert girl name), you know mom didn't mean it don't you?"
          "Ya I know, just the anger talking right?"
          "Right." I fight hard to destroy any quiver in my speech, making my reply round like it is totally sure. Inside I am unsure myself if mothers words were thought out they way she presented them so carefully to (insert girl name) or if they were just thrown out like garbage on a a collecting day.
          "I just wanna be alone for a little bit."
          "Okay." I meander back down stairs not in much of a hurry because I was not successful in getting (insert girl name) to return with me. As I reentered the kitchen I hear my great aunt's questioning voice in full force. Stabbing my mom with questing that don't seen to have a good answer. The thing about Great Aunt is that she thrives off information. She already seems to know everything about everyone and she is always in a race trying to know more.
          "But who? Who did she take to the bar?"
          "I don't know {Candice}, I simply heard that she was with someone, he could have even invited her to the bar."
          "But who?" Great Aunt duplicated the question to herself now. Her face deviated from its original questioning look to a daydreamy look. Not a happy daydream, but a dismal, confusing daydream that had been torn from the caves of her memory and now was haunting her thoughts with even more habitual questions.
          "(insert boy name) honey, I need you to do the dishes now!"
          "Okay mom." I trotted over to the sink while I rolled up my sleeves in dismay. When mom was angry with someone it was best to avoid upsetting her, most people just avoid her altogether but I occasionally stick around for a show, or to do jobs for her in order to stay on her good side. I sat at the sink looking back through the small, window like hole in the wall to catch another glance at Great Aunt. I have found over the years that the more you study someone the more you notice about them.
           "Why do you give a care anyway?" Mother said to Great Aunt. Mother had moved over to the couch and picked up her stitching.
           "I don't, I don't." Great Aunt moved to the couch opposite my mother and began to read her novel. As I studied her I could tell she wasn't reading but still thinking, still questioning in her mind. I studied her worn face as I scrubbed the large pot she had just cooked in. The more I looked the more I wanted to know her thoughts. Wrinkles on her face seemed to straighten out in my repairing mind for just a few moments, her complexion went from a ash to a pearly white and for a moment I swear I saw her slip out a singular smile. As she looked up I was startled and shoved my eyes back down toward the sink. I spent the next couple seconds in silence washing over my favorite ocean green plate. Thinking about my dad who had given me the gift.
          "Where is (insert girl name)?" mother blurted blowing out my sweet silence, "I thought I told you to go get her!" Here comes the trouble
          "I did go," I say feeling a tingle run up my leg to my stomach, "she said that she just wanted to be alone for now." The same tingle was now traveling straight to my heart causing it to lub loudly.
          "Okay then," mother simply stated. Her answer, clam and collect surprises me. Instead of her subtle reaction calming me, it makes my insides scream louder. My whole body is tingling now every instinct is telling me to run, "Well, keep going!" I hear my mom say, but she sounds far off, I fell removed from the small kitchen but as I look down I am still right there, dirty dish in hand and I resume my chore.

{{Not great. But a Start. I need some good names.}}

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Bottles in my Closet

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a women, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all -- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel loved." 
--- Zooey Deschanel 

"In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them, we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you are going." 

"Sometimes you play a game, even when you know you are going to lose. Or sometimes you leave a game even when you know you can win."

"It's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us." --- Benjamin Button 

"For what it's worth: it's never too late, or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this things. We can make the best or worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." --- Benjamin Button

"Some people are born to sit by a river, some get struck by lightning, some have an ear for music, some are artists, some swim, some know buttons, some know Shakespeare, some are mothers and some people are dancers."
--- Benjamin Button 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Yes... Boys too.

Berry Pie is splendid especially with friends. All regrets are baked slowly into that pie until they are forgotten.
Frances Avery is a good gal. 

My Test 
Those days when you are doing test correction and you got only a little less than half of the questions wrong are the worst. Then you make it to the one and only page where you got all five questions on one page rights and what do you know! The person who corrected you test congratulated you with a large YES! accompanied by an exclamation point. Thanks, Michael. You were appreciated at around 1 am the other night.
 MORP WAS A BLAST! I don't want to document everything because that kind of makes it less fun and special plus there is too much to say and my words wouldn't be able to give it credit. Pretty much, I am glad that I went and I am glad I asked Talmage because, hey he is a pretty cool guy. Plus I got a comfy shirt out of it. Hehe. 
 You know those people who are just worth it? My sister Susie is the best for sure but I have already tributes her. The person I really want to talk about who is more than worth it is Amy Gill. I love her. Almost too much. She is crazy amazing. Who wouldn't want to have a friend like her. Smart, beautiful, kind, thoughtful, athletic, funny, hyper, helpful. She is one of the best of the best of the best. Ya, she is probably actually the best.
Have you ever done something spontaneous when you are really tired or explained something to someone  when you were really tired and pretty much out of it and then been totally mad at yourself for saying something stupid? Because I feel like a lot of people have been doing that lately. I feel like I am hearing all of these decisions people have made when tired and then regretting it later... I will admit I have been victim to this situation and also have made sleepy decisions as we will call them. I think the solution to this is simply sleep on decisions and don't get irrational. The End.

Thats where I have to go
To see your beautiful
Face anymore I stare at a picture of you
And listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
We both admit we had it good
But until then its alienation I know that much is understood,
And I realise.. 
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you,
Not over you
Damn, damn girl you do it well, and I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell, but still your magnificent
I, I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game, even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you
And if I had the chance to re-new
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back, on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced 
So until then.. 
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm..
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you

Sunday, March 11, 2012

You Love A Lot I {two posts in a day}

You all can just wish and keep wishing that you had a sister as amazing as mine. I found all these cute old pictures that I love and I was just pondering all the things I love about my sister. She is always there for me, yes we fight but it is easy to make things right with her because she is so sweet and understanding. 

She is beautiful and she gets prettier everyday. It is amazing how time moves and changes people, I have been amazed at how fast I have grown and I am almost scared by how fast the people, especially my sister, around me grow. 

I love her, and there is not much more to say. Thanks for being amazing. 

Again. The end. 

Trashing Plagiarism

I was immediately swept away. Saying swept away is quite a cliche as is pointing out your cliches but, by any means, swept I was. Swept not this round by love or by interest itself but by mystery. This type of mystery that led me to deep interest and filled me with unspeakable love. You know that something is powerful when it has the ability to change you. When that something takes your body and soul and removes it from existence. I have spoken of passion before and I have specified my particular passion for dance, but things have changed. I no longer have just a passion for dance. I have an obsession,  an addiction, an infatuation, a fixation for dance. I am enslaved by dance and it's power. I have been completely taken over by it. I spent the best weekend of my life, hands down ever, at a dance convention.

I spent the weekend in a frenzy of hard work and extreme passion. In a place where my whole body quaked with pain until the music restarted and I began to move in time with it's notes. I could not be more happy or proud of myself after this weekend and I wish it had never ended.

There are no other words to try and explain the amazingness of what happened to me this weekend. All I can really say to sum things up is I am changed, moved, inspired, and now motivated for life.

All had been said. The End.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Oh How Great the Gatsby Is

It is late, in fact it is quite a number of hours past my bed time. However, I am inspired to write and so write I will.

I just finished a lengthy paper on why fat taxes are no good and all it did was make me want to eat hamburgers and fries, almost in defiance of the idea of taxes on delicious foods. I could preach to you more about why fat taxes are a total infringement on our rights and I could even tell you many other reasons fat taxes should be flushed down the toilet but the real reason I wanted to get on blogger and write is because I have been inspired.

Yes, I believe inspired is probably the best word.

Here is the thing, The Great Gatsby is amazing. I read it and I loved it, and about two hours (or more) ago  I finished the movie and while it was not even half as good as the book because of the books great detail, I quite enjoyed it too. Just like I could tell you more about fat taxes I could also expound on the amazing symbolism that Fitzgerald uses in The Great Gatsby, but that is also another topic that I am not willing to squander on.

No, I have not been inspired by The Great Gatsby really more about the idea that goes along with it.

Again, here is the thing, my English teacher is, among other things, inspiring. Every book we have read in English this year with the small exception of Huckleberry Finn I have been completely drawn into. I have literally immersed myself with finding hidden meanings and reading words that I have now learned were chosen with a specific purpose in mind. I am completely boggled by the idea that an author can sit and think about almost every word that they put into their writing because they know that they must pick just the right word or the interpretations of the story will be completely thrown.

I could sit here for days and list examples and explain examples of this phenomenon, and I could do it with examples from just one book. But more importantly I want to challenge people to read more and find more meaning and suck the richness from books. I want to yell to the world, "WHY AREN'T YOU ALL READING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!!"

I want others to be inspired as I have.

I could say more, but as you have seen, there are a lot of things I could say that I have chosen not to.

Ponder those.


Saturday, March 3, 2012


"I don't see what people have against honking! It can save your life you know!" --- Susie Lohner