Just When I Thought I Was A Wizard

"No matter how much you try to hide it, I know you are thinking about me. I know it's hard for you like it's hard for me but why don't we just except it and move on." -- Anonymous 

My Grateful List

Friends

Dance Company

Cars

Sun

Cell Phones

Fruit

Trees

Love

Passion

Dance

Secrets

Speech

Bodies

Ideas

Music

Art

Family

Writing

Balloons

Sugar

Beds

Blankets

Lips

Noses

Teeth 

Eyes

Arms

Legs

Feet

Hands

Ears 

There is obviously more but that's kinda just what I have today... 

 "Fella gets use' to a place, it's hard to go," said Casy. "Fella gets use' to a way of thinkin' it's hard to leave." 

 So I got my blood drawn today and let me just lay it out frankly, It was scary. It hurt a little and the whole time the needle was in my arm I was stressing a little bit. In the end it was fine, I was most worried about getting fait and passing out and that didn't happen so it was okay. While I was getting "interviewed" in the back room the nurse made and interesting comment to me. She said, "It's strange to me how people don't spend the time getting to know people when people are so fascinating." First of all, I love that word fascinating because it seems like a very good word to describe my feelings toward people. Second, I bonded with that nurse at that moment. I was saying it out loud before I could think it when I blurted, "I KNOW! I AGREE! People are so amazing!" My comment must have been a little loud because the room got pretty quite and she let out a little giggle like she was surprised at my enthusiastic response. Even though that conversation didn't go on much longer I felt a special connection with this nurse who I had never seen or talked to before and I probably will never see or talk to again. But I am glad she appreciates people, I kind of wish more people appreciated people.

--No more talk of darkness,
--Forget these wide-eyed fears
--I'm here, nothing can harm you
--my words will warm and calm you
--Let me be your freedom,
--let daylight dry your tears.
--I'm here with you, beside you,
--to guard you and to guide you...
--Say you love me every waking moment,
--turn my head with talk of summertime...
--Say you need me with you now and always...
--Promise me that all you say is true
--that's all I ask of you
--Let me be your shelter
--let me be your light
--You're safe, No one will find you
--your fears are far behind you...
--All I want is freedom,
--a world with no more night
--and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...
--Then say you'll share with me
--one love, one lifetime
--let me lead you from your solitude
--Say you need me with you here, beside you...
--anywhere you go, let me go too
--Christine, that's all I ask of you...

A Man Can't When He's Tol' To!

I hate nights when you hardly sleep at all. It takes forever for you to actually fall asleep because you are distracted by your thoughts and then you are constantly awakened by nightmares or you wake yourself up because you are so terrified of the images that taunt your mind. If this type of night was an end to a typical day, that would be one thing, but this night was an end to a long tiring and wildly crazy day. I dislike nights like that.

Last, I love Dance Company. More than anything in this world. It is great to have friends and the friends I have made this year dancing are the best ever. I have loved this year and I am so excited to make even more friends next year... The End.

Life is hard, try to live simply when you are young.

I Love You.

"I love you because you know who you are, and you know who I am and you still love me." 

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

Just when you are worried that you are losing someone that means so much to you, you find new people. Maybe not even find but almost rediscover. You make new friends, gain new smiles, share new laughs, cry new tears, hug new hugs, and overall just love new people and it all works out. 

I love Easter, and I love my family... and I love my friends. 

Life Update: I SAW MY BROTHER CROSS THE STREET RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have never screamed, laughed and cried so hard all at once in my whole life... How does it just happen to happen that the Saturday before he goes to Japan we see him cross the street. The extra minute it took to start my car made the difference in seeing him. Crossing the street right in front of me, smiling, waving, looking so happy and perfect and adorable. I love him so much and I could not be more proud of him. The best part was the heart sign he made with his hands, it was such a special moment. I loved it.

I appreciate the passion in this picture. The emotion caught in this picture is the reason I love dance. It is the perfect way to convey everything. The other day I was dancing in my room and it just kind of relieves you. There are those times where you dance because you have class or you dance because you are choreographing or something like that, and dance is really fun then. But then there are the times when you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DANCE... and thats when it is best for you. Those are the moments I live for... and I've kind have a lot of those lately... and I am grateful for it.

=To End In Style=
I always save my favorite thoughts for last. Today my favorite thoughts are about spring, and beauty, and trees, and waterfalls. Long trails, winding paths, fences, trees, brick buildings, rocks, dirt. Have you ever thought about spider webs, their beauty and their grace. I appreciate spider webs, I like how they shine when the light from the sun hits them. I like how their designs are practically perfect. Have you ever thought about silence? How silence is awkward with some people, and perfect with someone else? How conversations can be had by only saying two words? How silent touches can change the world? Have you ever thought about hearts and how they thump when you are nervous... Have you ever thought about good nervous and bad nervous?
Sometimes I don't know how to describe some things, maybe because they are too perfect to describe. I hate trying to explain confusing things and I hate feeling confusing feelings. I hate wanting something so bad but being to nervous to just grab it and get it. I wish things were easier than they always are.

Dear World, I love you. You mean everything to me. Love, Me.

Try hard not to have regrets, they are the worst.

The End.

'Cuz My Family Won The Lottery and We Are Rolling in Money

That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

{I Will No Longer Start With "Sometimes"}

I wonder if my mind really controls my actions, my words, my feelings, my heart, my sounds, me movements, my decisions, and everything else. I feel like sometimes my body get on automatic pilot and just does what is does, my body thinks without my mind... if that makes any sense. You see my mind can over think everything, make a plan and try to carry it out and sometimes have great success because it takes over my body but sometimes my body thinks for itself. It takes over and controls it's movements by forgetting the over thinking and not considering the consequences. I am victim to my own body. Maybe what they say is true, you really can leave the decisions up to your heart instead of your mind. 

Then there are those times where you have a total out of body experience and pretty much just throw reason out the window and just go for it. Today for instance, I was dancing, which is when a lot of these out of body experiences occur, and I forgot there were other people in the room, I forgot that I was in an audition, I forgot that I was trying to impress people. It was almost like I had forgotten I was alive. Then all of this movement, this emotion, this feeling just kind of came out of me. Automatic Pilot. As much as I wish I could explain, I can't. To sum it up as best I can, its the feeling I get and then know that I am alive so I can create, so I can dance, so I can write, so I can love, so I can draw, so I can live, so i can be inspired, so I can share and so I can do everything I can do. That feeling is what keeps me going everyday, it's the reason I am alive. It's the only feeling I am really sure of and it is the best feeling in the world.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO QUESTION MYSELF!" 

 Today was very happy and slightly sad. 

Thanks for listening.    

Bottles in my Closet

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you




"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a women, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all -- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel loved." 
--- Zooey Deschanel 


"In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them, we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you are going." 


"Sometimes you play a game, even when you know you are going to lose. Or sometimes you leave a game even when you know you can win."


"It's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us." --- Benjamin Button 


"For what it's worth: it's never too late, or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this things. We can make the best or worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." --- Benjamin Button


"Some people are born to sit by a river, some get struck by lightning, some have an ear for music, some are artists, some swim, some know buttons, some know Shakespeare, some are mothers and some people are dancers."
--- Benjamin Button 

Trashing Plagiarism

I was immediately swept away. Saying swept away is quite a cliche as is pointing out your cliches but, by any means, swept I was. Swept not this round by love or by interest itself but by mystery. This type of mystery that led me to deep interest and filled me with unspeakable love. You know that something is powerful when it has the ability to change you. When that something takes your body and soul and removes it from existence. I have spoken of passion before and I have specified my particular passion for dance, but things have changed. I no longer have just a passion for dance. I have an obsession,  an addiction, an infatuation, a fixation for dance. I am enslaved by dance and it's power. I have been completely taken over by it. I spent the best weekend of my life, hands down ever, at a dance convention.

I spent the weekend in a frenzy of hard work and extreme passion. In a place where my whole body quaked with pain until the music restarted and I began to move in time with it's notes. I could not be more happy or proud of myself after this weekend and I wish it had never ended.

There are no other words to try and explain the amazingness of what happened to me this weekend. All I can really say to sum things up is I am changed, moved, inspired, and now motivated for life.

All had been said. The End.

Pretending So Hard Not to Easily Care

Sometimes I pretend not to remember things people tell me when they repeat them over again. 

Sometimes I like it when people use my name when they talk to me. 

Sometimes dancing full out is all you can do because half your effort just isn't enough. 

Sometimes getting texts from people I love makes my day improve by 100%. 

Sometimes I like being in charge even though it is stressful. 

Sometimes I wish that I was a more forward, frank, honest person rather than secretive and reserved. 

Sometimes the biggest difference in my life is made by complete strangers. 

"I appreciate the person who picked me up from school today with carrots, pretzels, fruit snacks, and Diet Dr Pepper for me to eat and drink, and then drove me to dance and then taught me things you can't learn in school and then congratulated me for working hard and giving things all I have got. The person that has always been there, even when all others seem to be walking away, the person who cares about what you have to say and isn't just pretending. The person that talks to you just for fun and texts you because they love you, not just because they need something from you. The person that knows when things are wrong even when I am denying them myself. The person who I consider to be my best friend, because they deserve the title. Thank you person, wherever you are." 

Through the years we had it all

Midnight whispers, the midday calls
This house of cards, it had to fall
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

 There are some feeling that are impossible to write or talk about. Writing and talking seems like such great forms of expressing one's self but, in reality, there are some things you just can't say and you just can't write. I tend to be full of these feelings, and that's why I dance. That is why writing and talking will never be enough for me, I love to write out what I am thinking and I love to say all I can say when I talk to people but I need dance to tell the things that need to be told but can't be told any other way. Even if no one listens and I am dancing on my own, I still get my point across to at least myself. When people do watch however, I don't just want them to get my message and hear my story, but I want them to listen to their own stories and I want to help them be brave enough to tell. Through dance, music, a laugh, a tear, a walk, a silence, a sport, a blink, a whistle, I wish everyone luck in finding their own way to tell their feelings, their stories. I can't express in words the feeling dance gives me, I'm not a perfect dancer and I am not even close to the best. I am not extremely flexible, I and not world renowned, but I don't need that stuff, all I need is dance itself, the feeling just dancing gives me is worth all those things combined.

I might love life, and my day today, just a little bit.