But To Be Honest, I Feel It

 I love.

I doubt.

I miss.

I fear.

You. 

Hold your head up,
theres a light in the sky,
I know you're fed up,
but you must try to survive.
Each moments precious,
don't let life pass you by,
keep focused,
keep you eyes on the prize.

You know those moments? Those incredibly happy moments. The ones where you could try not to smile if you wanted, but you probably wouldn't succeed. Those moments are golden. And precious. Save them, write them down, remember them. Share them. Cherish them.

When You've Gotta Dance, Dance

++continued from the last++

Still Chapter One:

Dear Train...
       My mother is making dinner like she always does and she told me to tell you to tell your mother that you are all invited over tonight. Don't tell your mother you have to come though because if you do come I will not be allowed to wear sweats at the dinner table. But if you do decide to come and your mother says you can make sure you let me know before you come that way I can be prepared for the occasion. That's all I guess.
From, Me

I folded the note and continued thinking while my teacher continued to babble something random about derivatives and jerk functions. Something I knew entirely nothing about.

Grandpa always told me that having a job was valuable in high school because you got to have the social interaction with people, especially if you worked in a job were you were at the service of others. I've never had a job, and that could very well be why I am so socially awkward and I blunder all my words when I try to talk to people. For this reason, this blundering that is, I don't talk to people much. That is why I scared the boy next to me while, and at the same time surprised myself when I leaned over and whispered to him, pointing out that the teacher had chalk smeared down the side of her official pencil skirt that looked so uncomfortable. The boy looked back at my with shock, probably at the fact that I spoke and the low level maturity in the pointing out of chalk. But then he laughed and said something to me. I didn't register that something in my head however because I was so shocked that I had spoken.

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Your tales, soft.
Fill up the empty in my heart.
Your lies, harsh.
Carry my rage through hurt.
Your thoughts, true.
Laugh at my ignorance.
Your actions, dumb.
Caress my longing look for you.

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release

You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us

You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Ah, ooh

I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

Just When You Thought You Were Lost

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

VIII

IX

X

She tried to help. She really did. Wondering why the other couldn't get a grasp on themselves and decide. She sat wondering what it would be like to be the other. Struggling for safety and looking for some type of humanity in a world that seemed to be rid of it. Then she glanced, and glanced again, and read the message twice more. Her eyebrows furrowed, she never cried, but if she did, this would be one of those moments. Sadness and frustration fell on her like rain pouring from an all knowing sky. She was in a trance to be relieved from the soaking of the liar. She had stood for the other, she had blanketed the other. She had stupidly pretended like the truth wasn't true even though she new, deep inside that it was. Sadness loves company, and she trashed the other, threw her aside with the lashing of a discarded wrapper of a treat that had already been devoured. Two roses lost in one day, and all because of one step in the opposite direction of a previous decision. Complication struck her world, and she hoped that the other felt what she wanted them to feel. She forgave, but was angry, but more than that was hurt. She felt like she couldn't be trusted with anything any more, and the other was haunted at the loss of another affair. The other was on her own, while she thrived out of the sadness. She was stronger than the other, she was braver, she was better, she was loved. 

Chapter One: 

I heard a bell in the distance, tolling with the unforgettable tune that called us all back into school. I had to go because I couldn't think of anymore excuses for being late and my teacher was bound to get frustrated. I felt bad for that teacher already, she had to teach a bunch of self-centered losers like me that knew almost nothing about anything that had to do with school. I took off with a run not even noticing the landscape or the other bustling students around me. I took five deep breaths at the door to calm myself down before I stepped into the classroom and thudded in my seat before the second toll of the bell rang through my ears. 

I heard the teacher saying something in the background of my thoughts but I decided that being on time was my only gift to her today so instead of paying attention to her banter I pulled out my notebook and wrote to my friend instead. 

++to be continued++

It's Been Said There Is Much Ado About Nothing

Recently, Lately, and Frequently I have been:

• thinking of songs that would play as a soundtrack for a movie about my life. 
• saying different reasons I am worth something.
• getting close to my real friends.
• eating food.
• encountering and experiencing special coincidences that create interesting stories.
• hearing that when you say things people do rational things about what you say.
• finding fun in receiving mail, even if its just from colleges. 
• creating words to write down and edit and rewrite down again more time.
• watching movies that make me want to change my life. 
• realizing just how hard it is to let go of stupidity and dumbness. 
• hoping for different things to change.
• stressing about life. 
• learning to cry. 
• and discovering deeper feelings of love, hate, remorse, regret, joy, happiness, and deeper feeling of feelings in general.

"I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if is was the second or the third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you." -- Cassandra Clare

"You are the best! You just made my whole day!"

"The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened." -- Oprah Winfrey

"Every Thing Dances."

Half Past Noon or Twelve Hours Right After Midnight and Thirty Minutes

I enjoy the ability to create.
To toss around ideas.
To indulge in the sweet taste of accomplishment and production.
It's great to be human.
Having the ability to feel so deeply and so passionately is such an amazing gift.
To have the feeling that happiness will never end, that there is a eternal ring of gladness and well being.
But also to discover that opposition and bitterness.
In fact I have decided that the sad part of life is the part that is the most important.
We have always heard that you have to experience sadness to know what happiness is like.
Not only do I think that this is very true and a very important observation but I believe something more.

I would want and wish and hope to think that this small insignificant bit of wording is actually something important, though I know it is not.

I would like to think that we can only experience the same amount of happiness as we have experienced sadness. Which means that the people who experienced the most sadness are the ones with the capability to enjoy the most happiness in fact they are the ones with the want and need to experience the most happiness. In the end, they are even the ones who deserve it. The more and more sadness we experience, the more and more happiness we can experience.

Thank you.

Love, Me.